I spent an hour on New Years Eve sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying. Crying so hard that Sam didn’t know what to do – just kept trying push his head under my arms and lick my face.
I just wanted the year to be over. I didn’t even stay up till midnight. I went to sleep, like a kid on Christmas Eve – hoping it would make the morning come faster and we could all just move on from the holiday season.
The problem is, you can try to sleep the year away but, it doesn’t make the reasons you were sitting on the floor crying at 10pm go away with it.
I’ll warn you now – there’s no food in this post. It’s just me, trying to figure out where I am and where I want to go in the next year. It’s long and rambly and if you make it to the end, well… I promise… my next post involves a recipe. And beer 🙂
2013 didn’t feel like a good year. It ended with me tired, burnt out and depressed. I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly. I wasn’t moving enough. And I certainly wasn’t feeding my soul properly. It was seeping into everything I did. I like to think I’m normally a person who sees the proverbial glass as being half full and who, even when things suck, can find a lesson or a silver lining in the mess to take away. But lately that was definitely not the case.
It took a few days after New Years and another meltdown about some Instagram silliness for me to realize that something had to change and I was the only one who could change it.
But how?
Well first of all, you have to figure out what’s wrong before you can fix it. And second, you have to realize that you won’t fix it all overnight. Pretty obvious, right?
One thing that was bothering me was that I had been so busy that I hadn’t even had a chance to think back on the year. In fact, the whole year was so busy I don’t even remember half of it. That’s wrong.
Second, I felt like I hadn’t achieved anything at all. Like I hadn’t done anything, been anywhere, seen anything…
And third, nothing was where I wanted it to be. My businesses, my photography, my creativity, my life.
So what to do? Well, I’m still figuring that out. But as I’ve thought about it the past few weeks a few things have crystallized.
Slow Down and Savour the Successes
A lot of really great things did happen in 2013. I was part of a team that put on Canada’s first food blogging conference. My client roster expanded to people I never thought I would get to work with. I got to take a fun food road trip with one of my bestest chums. I got to be a judge for the KitchenAid Cook for the Cure Culinary Showdown. And a long time acquaintance grew into an unlikely friendship that triggered a project that’s brought a smile to my face.
That’s some good stuff right there. But as soon as one thing was over, it was drop everything and go at a mad dash to the next item on the list. No sitting down and raising a glass to a job well done or putting my feet up and thinking about what went well.
No savouring the big or small moments. I think of all the challenges for 2014, this one will be the hardest for me. I don’t have a game plan for it yet.
the lyrics to Tom Cochrane’s Victory Day have been rattling in my head for the last three months. Now I know why – time to listen.
Focus on Quality, Not Quantity
I’m tired of slapping up blog posts with the same old boring photos, or scrambling for a recipe just to get something up. Screw it. I started this blog because I loved to write, design, explore art and improve my food photography while trying to help others do the same. I did NOT start it because I wanted thousands of readers or to make big dollars from this or to become a recipe blogger.
I don’t need to post 3x a week or even 2x. And I’m not going to try anymore only to beat myself up about it when I don’t. I’ll aim for once a week but only if it’s a quality post that I’ve put time and effort into and meets one of three criteria:
- I pushed myself creatively
- I learned something while doing it.
- I feel I have something to share that my readers can learn from
And for those, I need time – more time than posting 2-3 times a week allows for.
This blog has given me tremendous opportunities outside of blogging… and I’m convinced that was because of the quality of the work I WAS doing (but haven’t been doing lately).
Find the Positive Everyday
An Instagrammer I follow showed a photo of a bowl of memories on New Years Day. She wrote down something good about each day in 2013 on a post it note and put them in a jar to be opened at the end of the year. She said she loved reliving all the great things from the year.
Bingo! I started a journal a few days into 2014. Each day the only thing I write in it is 3-5 good things that happened that day. I wanted to be able to go back and read it throughout the year whenever I was feeling bad or defeated.
I have to say, only 3 weeks in, it’s already made a huge difference. Funny how your brain remembers the good things you write down and let’s the bad stuff float away. And, it helps with savouring those small moments.
Make Time For Myself to Create For Fun
I love going to Toronto. I have family and friends there who share my passions for food, photography, writing, street art, and exploring. I lugged my camera and lenses all the way out there on my December trip with grand ideas. During my five day trip, I was so busy, I only took them out for a grand total of 2 hours.
It was the best two hours I’d had in ages! My friend, K, offered to take me on a graffiti hunt to places I wouldn’t normally go on my own for safety reasons. Despite the bone chilling wind he gallantly stuck it out for two hours, keeping an eye on me while I happily let go, forgot my surroundings and snapped away. And then he treated me to ramen so I could warm up!
Like George on Seinfeld – leave on a high note so they want more. This might be my 2014 motto.
I also sat down for a drink with an ex-boyfriend who I hadn’t seen in over three years. He was the one who urged me to go back to school to do design, who put a camera in my hands and explained how it worked when you took it off auto. And the one who convinced me to open up that shoebox of stories I had written and illustrated as a kid and start doing that again.
And during that one hour we had to catch up, I remembered what it was like to have somebody who I could sit down and talk to about the stories I wanted to tell with a pen or a camera and feel like they were listening to me. Like, REALLY LISTENING. No glancing at their phone, or around the room or interrupting me mid sentence making me feel like my ideas were boring or silly and that I should just shut up and keep all those things inside. It made me feel real.
It all signaled to me that I need to make more time to create for fun and not for a deadline or a client. I love to doodle and sketch. I want to learn more about hand lettering. I want to write more fiction. I want to be more deliberate in my photography – to slow down and create photographs. And, to finish off at least two of the million creative projects I have sitting on my hard drive this year.
oh the peanut. I can’t tell you how much this silly project makes me smile!
One that I have finally got off the ground is The Peanut Project. It’s a tumblr account I started in November after mulling it around for a few months. The inspiration for it came from an unlikely place but it’s turned into something that makes me smile.
And last but not least, I have to stop giving a damn if people like what I create unless they’re paying me to create it. I think that is my biggest downfall. I don’t really have a plan for that one yet either. I just have to trust that if I like it, there is likely at least one other person in this world of billions of people who will also like it.
And that should be good enough.
Oh, Melissa, how I identify with this post! I feel like 2013 went by in a whirl of craziness, excitement and confusion. My goals for 2014 are to slow down, be present, explore creativity and bring some fun back to my l’il old life.
Thank you for sharing this post, and for being awesome. Your creation of my new website was a highlight of my 2013, and has allowed me nurture my business and express my thoughts in a more powerful way. Plus, I get compliments on the design all the time. 🙂
thanks Sondi, that made me feel great! getting to meet you in 2013 was definitely one of the good things and it’s nice to have another face to face Vancouver entrepreneur connection I can sit down with over a cup of tea and talk about “stuff” with! It helps me figure all my “stuff” out! Happy 2014!
Amen! Good for you. I decided that 2014 is about saying “No” more so that I can say “Yes” more.
“No” I will not take on the world. “Yes” I am going to feel good about the quality of work I am doing.
For the record, in the first 20 days of 2014 I have said “No”, three times. It’s infectious and satisfying.
All the best!
oh chum – you make my day when you drop a comment 🙂 Saying no (or not saying it) is definitely one of my downfalls. What I will not say NO to is some girl time with you this year! Let’s figure something out.
I’ll say, “Yes!” to that. Just handed in a resignation on a mind numbing volunteer position yesterday (along with the name of a replacement for me). Felt very liberating!
I liked reading this. The best part about starting a new year for me are the possibilities of starting it well, making it count more. Whatever it is that makes you feel good – repeat. Whatever doesn’t – try to avoid.
I’m looking forward to seeing where you are going…
thanks KitKat. and you are right – the start of a new year does somehow make one feel like making it count more. happy new year 🙂
I’ve been standing in your shoes – they are uncomfortable. Uninspired, unfulfilled, stressed and feeling guilty about that stress because so many others are worse off. Deciding on the next move will be worth all of the tears and upset stomachs. Trust me. This life isn’t a dress rehearsal; there are no re-dos.
I don’t blog frequently – despite the fact that everyone says it’s a must. There are so many people putting utter crap out there. Should I go off to the big bakery in the sky tonight, I want to be proud of what I’ve left behind. Thus, I say no to a lot these days – If it isn’t genuine, I don’t do it. I’ve stopped fretting about whether people will get mad or be disappointed if I don’t want to get involved in a #MuffinMonday situation. I try not to let mean comments hurt me – it’s hard, but I’m getting better at it. And if I like something, I figure that’s enough. You no like? You no stay. Will I become the next Pioneer Woman? No. But that was never the plan. Am I having fun? Absolutely.
This year, I hope to apply my lessons-learned-in-blogging/baking school to all aspects of my life: stop worrying, take risks, do good work.
There’s so much to say – so much more than I can put into words right now. I know you’re on the right track, friend. Here’s to a glorious 2014.
Thanks Ms Movita. Working with you this year was a lesson in that being true to who you are can have a lot more rewards than trying to be something else. I really admire what you’ve done over the last few years and how you do it. You’re a class act – (hair balls and all ;-)).
Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-inspiring post, Melissa. I’ll just say it hit close to home. I’m involved in a lot of things that I enjoy, but life is starting to feel out of balance. I need to make some decisions about how to get it back to a level that works for me. I’m getting better at setting boundaries and now I’m working on doing a little more looking before I leap. I need to replace some busy time with quality me time (for example, once the winter snows hit I meant to convert my daily walking routine to gym time, but that hasn’t happened; lack of exercise makes everything tougher!).
I agree with Movita … we don’t all need to be superstars, we just need to be having fun and creating our own sense of satisfaction.
Here’s to a wonderful 2014 for you!
happy 2014 to you too Marlene! I was once asked the toughest part of being an entrepreneur and you hit the nail on the head – my reply was “balance”. Finding balance in everything is tough and never ends. Hope you get a better handle on it this year!
I’ve been having similar feelings for a while now. It’s comforting to see I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂 I also liked the idea of noting good things that happen each day of the year. It’s a great way to remember all the good things we experience on a daily, whether big or small.
it really helps! I’m amazed – I do it before bed so it forces me to sit back and think about the day and then I don’t feel like it’s zipped on by!
I’ve had this open on my browser all day, waiting for a chance when I had time to write more than: good read! or well said!
Truth is, this is both a good read and well said. We all struggle with fragments of similar feelings. I credit my downer days to not getting enough sleep – something I am working on in 2014. I think you year has been mega and you certainly impacted many of us with that May conference.
Here’s to holding your head high, having more fun, and finding the positive. I just may start my own journal.
well if there’s anybody who knows about juggling many hats it’s you Aimee! For me it’s not getting enough exercise. but then I feel guilty when I take an hour to go for a run or a walk – like I could be doing something more important. And then I have to remind myself, that IS important! All the best to you in 2014 – I’m glad we got to know each other this past year!
Thank you, Melissa, for this inspiring post. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life, too, and need to make some major decisions about where I want to go. I have lost a lot of joy in the things I’ve been doing, and need to get it back. I need to nurture my creative side, too. I see life passing me by and I’ve not done the things I thought I would. Your post really helped me to see that I need to figure out where I’m going, and start by simplifying things, getting rid of things that add stress but no value. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
you totally hit it on the head – get rid of things that add stress but no value. I’m fine with stress if it’s getting me somewhere. If it’s not, it’s gotta go! Life’s too short!
First of all Melissa, you are real (a one of a kind, special real) and don’t let anyone try to make you feel otherwise. I’m sorry to know that you spent some of New Year’s Eve crying and alone with just Sam to try and comfort you.
It’s quite obvious from this intimate and introspective post that you are setting a path for 2014 that will hopefully end on a much happier note that 2013 did for you.
What has crystallized for you so far will take you down a path that will be so much easier to travel. The months ahead are not going to be without their challenges (and yes, more tears but crying cleanses the soul) however, focusing on taking time for you and finding the positive in every day will ensure that you keep moving forward to all the goals, creative aspirations and dreams that you set for yourself.
Truly wishing you an inspirational and revelational year. Find a way to find the good in every day and you will find your way.
This was me on New Year’s Eve. Crying. I just wanted that year to be over so much. I actually put headphones in my ears to drown out any sounds of people celebrating the New Year.
I couldn’t think of anything good that happened to me in 2013. I applaud your bravery to admit that things weren’t perfect or not what you wanted them to be. I wish you strength in the New Year and that you will have your place of peace and happiness.
Melissa, this post resonated so deeply with me – thanks for the courage to write and share what I (and so many others) feel. I rarely have the feeling that my life is in balance and struggle to treat myself kindly and to remember all the things I’ve done well and everything (and everyone) I’m grateful for. Your post is inspiring and a lovely reminder. Thank you and all the best for 2014.
YaY! Melissa I love this post! (i also have that same journal in the photograph.. of course)
2013 seemed like a hard year for many many people. The ‘bad’ stuff on my good and bad list all happened within the last couple of months and left 2013 with a bad taste in my mouth despite all the amazing stuff that was done.
I think you expressed it so perfectly, when you’re running from one project to another with no time to critique or enjoy the ones that have ended it just sort of leaves a mounting anxiety that you don’t know where you stand and if you don’t keep moving projects pile up. stressful!!
I’ve always posted just once a week.. I think I tried twice a week for a short period of time and was like “screw this bs” Didn’t fit in my schedule.. didn’t allow me time to test a recipe more than once (then I’d worry about it having an error or not working for someone). I think its awesome that you’re doing quality over quantity.
Hope that 2014 brings you a ton of happiness and time to reflect on projects, growths, and spend quality time with your lovely dog baby 🙂
Plus (selfishly) I love when people post only once a week because then I don’t fall behind on their blogs!
Hi Melissa. Your posts have helped me, and I just want to say that while I can’t understand exactly what 2013 was like for you, I too wanted it to end so badly. It was an awful year for me, and I understand you crying. I do hope this year has looked up for you! Thank you for sharing with us!
Thanks Jessica! It always feels good to know I’ve helped somebody. Things have gotten much better and I’m feeling much more positive. It was good to take the time to sit down and think it out!